I'm Not a Robot

Happiness. I have constantly searched for the definition of this seemingly simple word. What the hell is happiness, in general and as a full time student and employee? Is it time with family and friends? Alone time? Financial stability? What the hell is it? I’m yearning to find out, as I finish my undergraduate academic career in a couple of months and will be thrown to the wolves of reality. I want to know what happiness is, or how to get it, so I can seek comfort and solace in its refuge, once the wolves come out of hiding.

My fiancé often asks me, “are you happy, Ellie.” And despite word vomiting all the “yeses” and “of courses”, there is a part of me that mentally stops- seriously considering his question. Though, I often refrain from commenting, that maybe I’m not that happy. Not because of him, by any means, but because of the current status of my life right now.

I’ve been told countless times, “you should be happy: you have a good job; you’re excelling in school; and you have a beautiful home and life-what more could you want.” Underneath my blushed red cheeks however, I feel the rubicund red pumping viciously in my veins. I want to scream. I want to punch those people in the jaw. I want to kick down every door in the way of my true explanation, but I just sit silently and smile.

Yes. I have all those things, true. Though, it hasn’t been easy to get here, and believe me when I say it’s a million times as difficult to keep things this way. I’ve had the same job for almost four years, I started at the bottom of this interior design company, and have worked up to being my boss’s right hand woman. I handle EVERYTHING. From staff, homeowner, real estate agent meetings; hiring and firing; warehouse inventory; brokers opens; filing; taxes… I literally do it all.

Though, I also go to school fulltime. I have always taken about sixteen-twenty units a semester. While working and going to school, I have maintained excellent grades and I am pretty damn proud of that.

Though what people do not understand, is that all of it comes with a hefty cost: my social life, my alone time, my relaxation.

I cannot even remember the last time I got together with some friends, grabbed a glass of wine or read a good book at home with my dog.  I wake up at 5am, go to class then go to work after school. I come home and eat, do homework and by the time I finish its 2:30 AM and I have to repeat the exact same day tomorrow.

That is my life. Every single day.

I live like this because I have to. Because I have to support myself through college and since my parents already pay my tuition, which I am very thankful for, I am responsible for everything else. This includes: rent, bills, car insurance, registration, phone bills, gas, food and miscellaneous. That is a lot of money, especially for a college student.

Though, I am one of many students across this country living like this. In fact, according to Laura W. Perna’s article, “Understanding the Working College Student” studies show that, “Today nearly one in ten (8 percent) full-time, traditional-age undergraduates is employed at least thirty-five hours per week.”

Amidst all this work and studying however, the question of happiness often comes up. I must admit that sending in my monthly payments for all my various bills does overwhelm me with a sense of euphoria and excitement. Almost like another pat-on-the-back, “go me!” type of feeling. However, something is missing. Something is just lacking.

Oftentimes when I  go on social media and browse through my newsfeeds, I see my friends and peers alike going on vacation, grabbing wine, travelling…and it depresses me because I want that excitement too. I’m twenty-one years old and I often feel like I’m living the life of a forty-five year old woman.

Though this isn’t just me apparently. Accoring to Jeff Grabmeier of Ohio State University, he finds in his article, “National survey finds students optimistic, despite debt and stress” that “Seven out of 10 college students feel stressed about their personal finances, according to a new national survey. Nearly 60 percent said they worry about having enough money to pay for school, while half are concerned about paying their monthly expenses.”

That’s a lot of students stressing out. So, what can we do? The cost of living is outrageously high, and the economy is down so how do you relieve stress while still finding time to pursue hobbies, interests and a social life alike?

Twenty-four-year-old engineering major and physics minor student and part-time employee Alexis Gardner of Cal Poly explains her stance on this issue and what she does to remedy her mental and emotional sanity.

“I’ve heard people tell me that students CAN work fulltime in college and go to class. I say, sure it’s possible, but should they? NO. It’s so difficult and demanding. You’re constantly struggling between school deadlines and work responsibilities, no one should live like that. But the cost of living is a nightmare and not all of us are lucky to have a home to turn to for financial assistance, I know I don’t. So typically, since I don’t or can’t, for that matter, afford to go out anymore I try to do small things every day to brighten myself up. Whether it be an hour-long walk with my dog, a bike ride, or dancing at home-the goal is to remind myself that I’m not a robot. I’m a human being who deserves a damn break.”

Happiness seems like such a simple definable word, but it’s such a distant feeling for so many of us. How do you find happiness amidst the chaos? I’m still figuring it out, but at least it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this struggle.