Depression: Who is She?

Who is she?

By Allayah Beamon

April 4, 2016 @ 10:00 a.m. PST

Depression comes in all shapes and sizes.

For me depression is a woman, who has many different faces. Sometimes she’s happy to mask the pain, sometimes she’s mad and angry to fight off the pain, and other times she is at her lowest point and falls into a deep sadness. When she is sad that’s how you know depression has won. You should be scared when she hits this moment. No one including her knows what may or may not come next.

She gets so lost in depression that she can’t hear, feel, or see anything put that her mind zones out and she is in a dark place.

 
                                                                                                            “Leave me alone”, she shouts!”- Allayah 
 

How can depression leave her alone if she has nothing to really fight it off, therapist don’t help, her fiancé doesn’t help, drinking doesn’t help, and medicine never helps. She doesn’t know how she got here, why, and what caused these emotions. Every day she tries to search for a way to just fix it all but nothing seems to work. Her mind is clouded is judgment and pain, her heart is shattered like glass, and her emotions are on a never ending roller coaster.

“I don’t want to be like this, I hate myself”, she shouts!”- Allayah

Now she’s thinking suicidal, maybe use a rope, suffocate myself with a pillow, and maybe cut my arms until she bleeds to death, maybe get into a car crash. How can she escape this? It’s become a part of her, it becomes something she can’t control, and it becomes a force of evil that invades her body, mind, and soul every day.

Depression has many different faces, sometimes she smiles, frowns, and sometime sh4e leaks the tears of her sorrow.

Is she not enough, is he pretty, is she too fat is she ugly, is she smart, is she a phony, and is she Allayah?

I can only question myself because I am the victim to this terrible mental illness, but I can’t tell anyone that I have this issue because they will not be my friend, my fiancé will leave me, my teachers will fail me, and because it makes me a loser.

This young woman is in denial that I need help, losing control of my emotions when I exploded that day in his arms. He just held her and told her to relax. 

“I want to scream from the top of my lungs, and then keep going until it has all left me, empty without pain.”- Allayah 

Depression, please leave me alone, because I hate you.

God is the cure to this illness!

“I am throwing my pills out the window and never looking back. The only person who can heal me from this is God my Lord and savior.”- Allayah