First To Go

The dusty tinge of my 1999 Dodge Caravan glares at me against the sleek complexion of the Mercedes parked alongside it. I scan the parking lot and for a moment, imagine that I must have wandered outside some corporate office downtown as modest mid-sized sedans are peppered among luxurious vehicles of every make and model. The staples that hold up my drooping upholstery are beginning to give, as the breeze pushes the hanging fabric into my face. The short drive home is dominated by anxious thoughts of the first date I have this weekend, terrified that she asks me to drive. At home, a few of my roommates excitedly scheme their Spring Break plans in Cabo, imploring me to join them and ensuring that I know the time I will be missing. I pour over my bank statement in vain. The modest paycheck I receive each week from my on campus job is just enough to cover life’s necessities – books, rent, gas, groceries, etc. I manage to keep up with my peers somehow, skipping the meal at birthday dinners or sipping water as opposed to a $9 IPA when we go out. It’s become my subtle craft and I continue to perfect it; just barely gliding by.

My friends don’t recognize it and I’m too proud to explain. I don’t blame them because we come from different worlds. $60,000 is a steep price to pay for any education, but for some, like myself, the burdens it incurs go beyond the scope of financial. Their parents went to college. For them, the cost of a college education for their children has always been stitched into their plan, and it is an expense they are fortunate enough to be able to cover comfortably. However, I am a trial run. I’m what has been denoted as a “first generation student.” Simply put nobody in my family has ever gone to college. I have never considered this as anything else besides a blessing and am always aware of the opportunity I have been granted, an opportunity that I know my parents wish they had for themselves. However, I cannot help but be dually aware of the fact that I am a minority here. Gucci, Nike, Ray Ban constantly cross my vision. I am continuously reminded of things that have always been just beyond my grasp and a class that we have never been able to infiltrate, but I never fail to catch myself and always feel the sting of my loathing. While I may be surrounded by things I have never had the chance to have, I am at a place I never thought I’d be. My family has never been able to consider ourselves wealthy, but when I recognize the paths my life could have taken, I know I am rich indeed.